The Lydia Powell Interview
Introduction
Aar: Do you want to start by introducing yourself?
Lydia: Yeah, my name is Lydia Powell. I'm a confidence coach for neurodivergent women, which is kind of a new venture of mine, but something that I've been working towards for quite a long time. I was diagnosed with a ADHD myself two years ago, I think 2021 when I was 25.I'm 27 now, so I'm in the late diagnosis gang with all of the women. And prior to working for myself, I was a finance manager, so my background is accounting and finance, which is really exciting. What I'm doing now is much better by far, but yeah, that's just a bit about me.
Aar: Yeah, that's great. So with this interview you know, as you wanted to focus on, so we'll focus a bit on aboutwhaat the confidence coaching is and the importance of that for neurodivergent women as you tend to help neurodivergent the most. And touch on your ADHD diagnoses and as well as your experience in employment and how that's been for you.
Lydia’s Neurodivergent Story
So do you want to start by giving a bit of a backstory about your neurodivergent story story. So how did you find out you had ADHD. what were the signs from your early life into adulthood?
Lydia: Yeah. Um, so it was a bit of a long, complicated story for me as I think it is for a lot of people, especially women.
I remember having all of the kind of feelings from a young age of being different, not being the same as everybody else, being very distractible, very chatty, getting told to shut up a lot at school. For me, I'd say the real issues for me began when I wasf a teenager.Naturally at school, I, I did well, I was naturally academic. I think that's probably one of the reasons why it wasn't picked up on, because I was getting the grades. So even though I wasn't paying attention, I wasn't doing my homework, nobody really noticed because I, I was getting good grades. But as a teenager really things started to fall apart for me. I suffered a lot with anxiety and depression. That feeling I think a lot of people can relate to of just feeling different and like, you don't fit in. , so I remember seeking help from a doctor myself. I didn't even tell my parents. I went to the doctor and said, you know, I, I feel so anxious and I'm depressed all the time.
I remembe at the age of 19 saying to a doctor, I think I have bipolar disorder. And he basically laughed me out the room. Obviously this didn't take me seriously at all, and I, I got no help at all. So I carried on and I made the decision at the end of school not to go to university, which at the school I went to was really looked down upon.I think most schools, to be honest, are really pushy about university but my school, it was, it was a really big deal. I remember being called into the head teacher's office and being told that going to college was for stupid [00:03:00]people and I was better than that. And everybody kind of trying to put me off going on my own, on my own route.But I just knew I had this sense at this quite young age that university wasn't gonna be right for me. When I joined the workforce at 17, I really felt like I'd found my place. It suited me. The, the deadlines, the structure, everything like that really, really suited me as a person. And I took to it like a duck to water, to be honest.
As the years went on, obviously I didn't realise it at the time, but I was getting burned out . I, I had very quick, progression with work. I did very well. I got promoted very quickly. I decided to start studying in my evenings to become an accountant. Uh, I became a finance manager very quickly, kind of climbed the corporate ladder as it was.Then lockdown came and we had to start working from home. I was living on my own at the time and all of my coping mechanisms that I didn't realize were coping mechanisms were stripped from me. And my world imploded. I was having anxiety attacks at four o'clock in the morning, calling my poor dad screaming down the phone.I just lost the ability to cope. And I think because of that inherent guilt and shame that we feel as neurodivergent people, I had never really reached out for help. And when I had reached out for help, I'd sort of been turned away. So I was very put off doing that. So I remember sitting in my living room in lockdown thinking I'm in a really bad place and if I don't let somebody know, I dont know how this is gonna end.And I went to see my mum which filled me with fear because obviously we were in the middle of a global pandemic. I thought I was gonna kill her. , but I just knew I was at , a crisis point. So I went to my mum and I said, I don't feel good. I sort of explained everything I was going through that the crippling anxiety, which I'd been living with for such a long time at that point. The depression, the chaos, the fact that I just wasn't consistent at all and I felt like I was covering this up from everyone and hiding it. And I had this huge shame surrounding all of that. And my mom said to me, well, how long have you been feeling like this? And I stopped and I said, my whole life.
that was the first time I'd ever really expressed to somebody how I'd been feeling. And I was 25 years old. I was in the very fortunate position that my parents were able to send me to a private psychiatrist. So I was able to see a psychiatrist, the following week actually. That. In itself, caused more problems than it fixed realistically, because I was actually diagnosed with bipolar disorder.It was within 30 minutes of a phone call, to the psychiatrist I was speaking to was like, yep, you are bipolar. She put me on medication for bipolar disorder. It was anti-seizure medication or something like that. , so I was put on medication for it really fast. The medication made me incredibly unwell.
I got worse and worse and worse. And then eventually a friend of mine did an assessment for ADHD. It turned out she didn't have ADHD, but it made me wonder, oh, that actually sounds a little bit like me. So I sat with my mum. We completed this ADHD assessment, and at the end of it, we both looked at each other and thought, oh my God, that's me.
So I went back to my psychiatrist and said, I don't think I do have bipolar. I think I have ADHD I'll never forget this as long as I live. She said to me, you can't have ADHD because you're too intelligent and you've had too much success in your career. Your IQ is too high. And if I had have been any less kind of firm and confident in, in that being the correct diagnosis for me, I would've just accepted it, carried on with treatment for bipolar and, and had, an incorrect diagnosis.luckily I felt strong enough to go actually. Don't like that. I don't think that's correct at all. That's not my understanding of ADHD from the research I've done and I moved to a different psychiatrist who I still see to this day, who is incredible, who couldn't believe that somebody in in the medical industry had basically said, you can't have ADHD because you're not stupid. He said to me, you know, it's very common that people with ADHD are also highly intelligent or gifted and that's just completely wrong. So I eventually found a good doctor and I got my diagnosis and I started on medication. The first medication I took was, methylphenidate, or as often known as, it's by its American brand named Ritalin And I took that on a very low dose for a couple of weeks. I didn't really notice, but it was actually making my ADHD worse. And then when I increased the dose, within 10 minutes of taking the [00:08:00] additional tablet, I started having full body ticks. , I now actually do have Tourettes. I've had , tick disorder for two years.
I've always had ticks but I didn't notice 'cause they were so minor. It was only when I took the Ritalin that they actually really came out a lot more. So I do also have a tick disorder now, which is wonderful. Add adding to the list. But yeah, so I went on a long journey and basically I'm one of the 20% of people that stimulants do not work for, unfortunately.I know a lot of people have a lot of success with stimulant medication. For me, the journey with medication has been long. and. Not very successful. In fact, I've only within the last couple of months found a course of medication that, that really helps me.
ADHD, Mental Health and Bipolar Misdiagnoses
Aar: As I was making notes for the points I wish to trace back to, want to talk about how you thought you had bipolar disorder, then had a diagnosis for bipolar disorder and got misdiagnosed and experiences with anxiety and depression Would you say that, the challenges with the mental health in terms of ADHD triggering anxiety and depression symptoms and your misunderstanding or your medical professionals misunderstanding of ADHD are like part of the more disableing part of ADHD and the more misunderstood parts of ADHD
Lydia: yeah, I so in terms of, The aspects of ADHD that kind of affect me the most and have for my whole life, and I think are kind of the most misunderstood is for me, definitely how we work. Something that I found a deep shaming was the way that I work. I am, I'm a very all or nothing kind of a person.So for me, , yesterday, I had a great day. I woke up and I was all guns blazing, sat down to work, hyper-focused all day. Usually when I have a day like that, it's followed by a crash day where I can't do anything. And so you can imagine, obviously having a career and being in a senior position, my output looked as good, if not better than everybody else's.In terms, I was getting the work done and I was getting good quality work done. The way in which I got that work done was very different to the people around me. I don't have consistent. It's an effort. I have bursts of energy and then crashes. So I think that's one of the things that's very misunderstood and, and not recognized with people that are neurodivergent.
I don't think this is just exclusive to a ADHD. I think autistic people suffer with this as well. So I think for me, from the point of view of work and it really affecting my life in that way, I would say yeah, a hundred percent the way that I work was, really challenging for me. And even though I was getting the, the output the work was done, the way in which it was done filled me with shame that in itself causes huge anxiety, and depression. You are, you feel like a fraud. You feel like you're gonna get found out. You know, if you have a week, for example, where you are absolutely getting it done and you are like really like getting the work done and then you, that's followed by a week of just blobbing out in your chair thinking I can't do anything. , even though you've done the work, you will feel intense guilt and shame. And I hid that for years, my whole career. I hid that, , and felt very ashamed of it. And, and I, I ended up with absolutely gripping anxiety as a result.
Neurodivergent In Work
Aar: Yeah I guess it's something with having ADHD, it's like sometimes it can be bit of a struggle when you work in like a nine to five job or in a typical neurotypical way of doing work. And that can cause a struggle because productivity and the way the mind works is different of [00:12:00] ADHD because it's not like you have the right, same way of structuring your work and productive, settings in the same way as neurotypical person in terms that you may have a productive period that might not fit the nine to five , job, routine.You might have those bursts of energy and the burnout. And so I guess sometimes not always able to work with your most, optimal energy times of productive in a day and not, have many outputs for being able to recharge and reenergise after periods of burnout.
Lydia: And, and the expectation from employers is really that, they say, oh, I want you to work X hours a week and this, that and the other. And in my opinion, it's a completely wrong way of looking at it because I know that I can get on a productive day, more done in an hour than a neurotypical person can do in a whole day.I know that I can have these incredibly intense bursts of, of productivity and that in itself is such a skill and it's so unrecognized by the way that companies operate nowadays. It really isn't understood. It isn't recognised I think it's slightly better now that people can kind of work from home and, since the pandemic companies have adopted more flexible approaches to working. but I still think that there's a huge misunderstanding with how neurodivergent people work. And it's not worse. It is just different. Our work is, is valuable, our contributions are valuable. I think everybody accepts that Silicon Valley wouldn't exist without autistic people. So, the contribution that neurodivergent people make to the world is absolutely huge. I think that we're just lagging behind in terms of finding a way to adapt the working world for how people with brains like ours work and operate.
How Do You Get Misdiagnosed with Bipolar
Aar: Would you say from stuff of having that like sense of hyperactive and being quite positive your mood and having that like [00:14:00] intense burst of energy and, , enjoying happiness and then, you know, having these crash outs and burnout moments, would you say it's particularly stuff like that that was a issue for you?
In terms of getting a late diagnoses, and then particularly thinking it's like bipolar disorder. ?
Lydia: Yeah. I think the anxiety and depression, as I understand it, aren't, I think it's emotional dysregulation is a symptom of ADHD a recognised symptom. But the anxiety and depression, often it comes to the forefront when you're getting a diagnosis and that tends to be what the medical professionals look at.They go, oh, anxiety, depression. But what's the cause of the anxiety and the depression? For me, it was definitely trying to fit myself into a neurotypical world as a neurodivergent person, and feeling when you are very aware that you are operating in a very different way to everybody else, you do feel a sense of shame.
Why am I different? Why can they do this and I can't, and there's nobody there going, Hey, Your way is just as good you are. You're getting the same amount done. You're just doing it in a different way. And obviously comparing yourself to other people is one of the best ways of making yourself incredibly depressed and anxious, especially as a neurodivergent person.
let's face it, we're surrounded by neurotypical people that can do consistent effort can get up every morning and brush their teeth, you know, no problem. Like stuff like that. But us neuro divergent people, we aren't like that. So I think that being in a, a neurotypical world and having to kind of fit into those sort of styles of working and things, it was a massive cause of depression, anxiety for me.By the end of my career I quit my last job in, it would've been, like October, November, 2021. I hit major burnout. Major burnout, and I was pretty much out of the game for two years. It was really, really bad. And that was almost entirely down to, well, several things. First of all, people pleasing and the inability to say no.
So I had huge amount of work piled on me. I had done very well and I was very successful, but I had kept hidden from my employer that I struggled with my mental health. I didn't tell them when I'd had an A D H D diagnosis. I didn't have any kind of adjustments in place for me. So I was really, felt like I was, hiding,and it's, they're like a sheep in wolves clothing. We feel like you're hiding and that will destroy you from the inside out.
Getting Diagnosed with ADHD and Diagnoses Confidence
Aar: At that point you was, masking in your field of work and masking within your life. And so when, just like for clarity, what year did you get an ADHD diagnoses
Lydia: 2021, I think it was May.April, 2020, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and then the following year I was diagnosed with ADHD by which point I was at the point of kind of collapse. The diagnosis was sort of a mixed bag of emotions. It felt like I'd found my people. I was like, oh yeah, this is me. Which I didn't get with the bipolar diagnosis.I couldn't really relate to that. , but also it was this really crushing sense of, oh my God, like I've been dealing with this without any support for so long. And I would say before getting my diagnosis, I'd say the biggest thing. That I think has really changed for me since my diagnosis of ADHD is asking for help.
I spent my whole life feeling like I was different, bad. I, I felt like the quality of my work was good. I didn't question kind of my capabilities, but in terms of like my consistency and things like that, I had a lot of shame surrounding that. And one of the things that my diagnosis has taught me is that it's okay to ask for help and to get support, and to change things to suit you.And now as somebody that works for themselves, I am hot on making sure that I've got the things in place that I need to work around who I am. I'm still learning. It's a whole learning process,
Aar: I understand it would be still learning process because even though you like you are a confidence coach helping other neurodivergent people people and you can help them learn more about themselves, feel more confidence in themselves.But since you are like only diagnosed two years ago, I assume that you're still on your, path of getting more confidence by the day within yourself and learning about yourself in the terms of your ADHD affects you and Yeah. How to improve your quality of life. And as you said that asking for help.Even though your, like quality of work was good and it may not be like, Helping improve your quality of work.
But in terms of like avoiding burnout, those are the things you would need to ask for help with to like be able to take a, take a mental health day-off work and make sure you can take steps to self care for yourself and which you imagine from a young age that you wasn't able to do as you had anxiety and depression from like being undiagnosed with ADHD, emotional dysregulation, and it's from that think it's time to feel a bit more.Lacking (the ability to know) how you can ask for help and what you need help with because lack of diagnosis and I assume that with your bipolar disorder diagnosis then you must have had the casted doubt with it when you got diagnosed because you said that like with your ADHD diagnosis, even though you said that it wasn't like a straight straightforward woo, who you feeling happy about that?
Getting diagnosed it leaves that mix bag of feelings . You wish you could get diagnosed earlier, but in terms of probably your bipolar disorder diagnosis, you must have assumed that you didn't have entire confidence that you were bipolar.
Lydia: I think the confidence , is crucial when it comes to , the diagnosis process. Confidence is something that I'd really worked on before I got diagnosed. It's, it's definitely a journey. It was a bit up and down and I didn't really have any support with it, so it was something I saw of self taught myself. Your confidence does get knocked when you get a diagnosis of anything, even if you're sort of expecting it. There's something about one of the things with confidence is really knowing yourself and trusting yourself. And when somebody gives you a diagnosis, it affects your sense of identity hugely.So I think when it comes to, you know, confidence and diagnosis, if I hadn't have been confident, When my first psychiatrist said to me, you can't have ADHD you're not stupid. I'd have just accepted what she said. I'd have gone along with it, but I was confident enough to go actually.
No, this isn't right. I need to seek treatment for something else. So the confidence is absolutely crucial, and I know there's a lot of people getting completely crushed by the system because they don't have the confidence to make decisions, put themselves where they need to be
Aar: I assume probably by that time when you like, felt confident enough to say that I don't think this is right. When your psychiatrist then psychiatrist then told that you couldn't have ADHD, I guess you had the confidence enough by learning before your diagnosis more about ADHD and understanding what it means and how that it's not something that affects intelligence and stuff like that.And so from understanding a lot more and being alert and aware being able to think critically and challenge things, I guess, that give you the confidence then and the certainty to think that that while your psychiatrist then was telling you was wrong.
Lydia: Yeah it's really difficult. After I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder, my confidence absolutely took a nose dive. I think in part because it was the wrong diagnosis, so I didn't align with it. So kind of, it sort of did both.It boosted my confidence 'cause I thought, yeah, that feels more right. But I also took a knock 'cause I thought, well, what does this mean for who I am? I'd sort of been messed around a lot. And like you say, you've also got in the back of your mind, well, my last psychiatrist told me that people with ADHD is stupid.
Am I stupid? You know, now I've got this diagnosis. It makes you question yourself. To be honest with you, the access to services in this country is absolutely appalling. I was very fortunate to be able to see a private psychiatrist for my diagnosis and laterally a therapist, and I have an occupational therapist as well. But I think one of the things that I really felt after my diagnosis was very [00:23:00] alone. And that also can affect your confidence . One of the things that really lifted me actually was TikTok. 'cause obviously there's so much content on TikTok, right? I think that everybody sort of relates, to finding their sort of army online because we have things like TikTok now.Although it can be a bit of a, well they call it the dopamine slot machine. Yeah. When they say why there's so many people with ADHD on TikTok. Well, it's easier question to answer,My confidence did take knock. But gradually with the kind of representation that's out there, you can see that we are all so unique and different. And from that I started to rebuild my identity again and my confidence started to come back. In who? In who I was.
Aar: The thing is, the feeling of getting a diagnosis of any neurodiergent condition it's never straightforward , it's always tangled with mixed emotions becuase as you say that anyone, it's like that thing of I how do I learn a lot more about myself.What does it mean for me? You know, what help do I need? How can I change things to make things better for myself? And can give you a lot and more understanding about yourself. But from getting a diagnosis, it can be quite isolating still, even to this day, even though we get a lot more understanding.
Yeah. 'cause as I say, you've got a lot more understanding on social media as you can, like with platform like TikTok, because you're seeing people talk about this, like through videos, , seeing people's faces talking about it makes you feel a bit more personal But still when you are getting diagnosed, there's no meet up or any groups they can interconnect with other neurodiverfent ADHD adults and get to know these things. When you probably say about the lack of services, to get diagnosed in UK, understanding what a diagnosis means and in terms of therapy piece that can help with yourself.That as you hinted that you had occupational therapy with it, but lack of understand now, as you said, when you were in your teen years, there was lack of understanding of for yourself of what ADHD and bipolar disorder means. Going back to when you was in your teenage years, even though you thought then you might have bipolar disorder, then you would be more confident with it. then when you got your diagnosis in your adult life being a misdiagnosis. What was like before you got your ADHD diagnosis, what changed with your understanding of ADHD and bipolar disorder and the things you learnt
Lydia: First thing I, I actually wanna say is yeah, I'm, I'm glad I was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder and, and I'll tell you the reason ]for why, because it wasn't the right diagnosis for me.But one of the things that happened when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder is I was forced to confront my own stigma. Within myself against mental health. There is so much stereotype, stigma and taboo around mental health. When I was suddenly labeled with a mental health condition, I had to deal with my own prejudice and my own stigma.
All of a sudden it was directed at myself and I thought, oh my God. So one of the things that came from that was a real deep compassion for people with all kinds of mental health conditions and issues. I get hyper fixated on things. So when I was diagnosed, I researched the living daylights out of bipolar disorder.
I can list off all the people in the world that are famous to have bipolar disorder. it, sort of. Helped me to be more compassionate. So when I came to getting my ADHD [00:27:00] diagnosis, I guess I'd sort of handled a lot of the issues I had within myself with stigma and stereotypes. But again, I've been faced with it in, in the medical industry. I think the, difficult, it's, it's so difficult to kind of, move away from your kind of preexisting feelings about stuff and to relearn about something. I had to learn what ADHD was, what that meant for me. I did a lot of research on the internet. That's so ADHD of me. Yeah.I think when I was a teenager and I thought that I had bipolar disorder, it was because I had this really up and down mood. Which was obviously because I had undiagnosed ADHD so that was sort of how it was presenting. And when I went to the doctor, I was desperate.There is something wrong with me. Somebody needs to help me. And all that I could really figure out from Googling and research was bipolar disorder with the up and mood. That was anything I could think. And it wasn't so much that I, I hadn't really prepared mentally as a teenager for what a diagnosis of bipolar would feel like if I actually got one.All I knew was that I didn't feel good and I needed somebody to understand that I felt sort of trapped. So when it came around to actually being diagnosed with bipolar disorder as an adult in 2021, it was very much like. Oh God, I was right. There is something horribly wrong with me and, no one's missed it.
There was a lot of anger. I felt quite a lot of anger around the period of time I was being diagnosed, mainly because I felt, when I was a teenager, I was so desperately crying out for help and it felt like no one had listened. It was a mixture of validation. Like, yes, you, do need some help.You do need some support, anger. Why did nobody pick up on this? I feel like as a teenager, I was screaming out for help, and no one was listening. And I think a lot of people can relate to that feeling a bit angry when you get diagnosed. especially as an adult. And I mean, I was 25. That's quite young compared to a lot of people. I know a lot of women who've been diagnosed in their forties and fifties. , I think that was the sort of transition , as a teenager, I was absolutely desperate for a diagnosis because I knew there was something wrong and I needed help.Yeah. Whereas when I was an adult, it's sort of changed to anger of like, I've been suffering with this for so long and nobody's picked up on it. Yeah. And I've done everything. I think when you get diagnosed later on in life it can trigger like a grief complex of not getting a diagnosis early on.
Aar: guess from the point to you getting your diagnosis until then you was in an awkward period of not knowing about who you are and since then your teenage years when you figured out something was different about yourself and you had a different mind to other around you that, from early on then like you spent your life until you were diagnosed with working out what was different and in that confused space.
Traits of ADHD and Autism and Support of Neurodivergent Peoples
Lydia: I think as well, you don't think you know anybody that's like you. My best friend was recently diagnosed with ADHD and autism. We've been best friends since we were 11, and it's so taboo and stigmatized and not understood that we went all that time not knowing that we both basically had the same condition.
I haven't got a diagnosis of autism, but I do have quite a lot of autistic traits and we sort of were joking saying that I'm like mainly ADHD with a bit of autism and she's mainly autism with a bit of ADHD.It's just that you do have an identity crisis when you're diagnosed as an adult and the support isn't the same.
I think as a child, if you're diagnosed as a child, I mean, you might know Aar because I feel like, I think you said you were diagnosed as a child that, that you get more support from like a younger age. I dunno if that was the case for you.
Aar: I gotdiagnosed from the age of 10, (just autism) but apart from like the support had from CAMHS mental health that I was already seen by a child psychiatrist with, apart from that and the support I could get in school, I think there wasn't as much support.Like my mother did get some information about it but there wasn't much extra support and what I had in terms of autism. in addition to any standard statemented school support 'cause like most of the support they had outside of school was when I was younger, before the age of 10 interms of my dyspraxia.
As you say that in terms of like the lack of services and lack of support, that, I think there's probably some issues of things in the way to go with supporting whether its like teens and adults who are autistic, ADHD and have ever neurodivergent or mental health conditions
Lydia: For me, when I was first diagnosed, so when I got misdiagnosed first with bipolar, it was, it was very much like, right, this is your diagnosis, this is the meds we're gonna try, off you go. There was no, and I, I went private and I think you'd sort of expect if you're going private, that the door would be opened to this mystical land of support and help and, and it wasn't like that at all.
Even with my, my current psychiatrist, I mean, he sort of recommended a couple of therapists for me, but again, , for the cost of seeing those therapists was, I can't really think of the word here, but very, it is elitist. I mean, the, some of these therapists charge you 150 pounds for like 45 minutes of therapy, and they want you to kind of do that once a week indefinitely.I mean, if you think, if you look at kind of doing like a, a short course, maybe you can find the money to kind of invest in that, but that's just completely out of reach for most people. I think even through the NHS I mean, like if you're saying you were diagnosed as a child and there still wasn't really any support, I think it's a, an issue of massive importance, that neurodivergent people basically just aren't getting the support that they need.
I know that I'm only now. As a 27 year, nearly 28 year old woman getting the kind of support that I need. And I've sourced that all by myself. You know, that's been my own personal research, finding people who can give me recommendations and, and the other thing as well that I've done. Is be, and this, this is so important and this is something that I think is really difficult for people being open about your diagnosis.I wasn't open about it at first, , especially while I was at work, but now I'm very open about it. I tell people like, oh, I might be late because because I have ADHD. You kind of allow people in when you allow people into your world.
Another crazy thing happens, you start to meet other people just like you. If you are open about it, you create a safe space for other people to also be open. I've met so many incredible people who are autistic, ADHD, dyslexic, dyspraxic, all because I've been able to say to people, oh, I have ADHD and it gives them the safe space to kind of open up. I really do believe that connection with other people is a great way of accessing support. My connections with people who have ADHD is what's led me to the support that I receive now, the therapist that I have, the occupational therapist that I have, the psychiatrist that I have, also I have, a business group that's for neurodivergent women.That's all come about , through connections with people who are neurodivergent. The more open we are, the more it will lead us to the right services. But again, it shouldn't be that way. The services should be easily accessible. Because like you say, when you get your diagnosis, you might not wanna tell people straight away and therefore you don't necessarily get the information you need to find the resources that you need, which is again, where kind of confidence comes into it. And confidence is being able to own your identity, speak your truth, and live as your authentic self, your unmasked authentic self.
Aar: As you're saying in terms of when you got, like you started to be open with your diagnosis of ADHD sharing your ADHD traits and talking about that, and I think that's biggest thing in terms of confidence and like working on confidence that you can do is be open and honest and tell people that part of your identity. For many years, that was something that I battled with my internalised ableism until I was becoming an adult and like the, like just before 18th birthday. And that's the only point where I started to feel comfortable disclosing that that autism diagnosis with my peers. That confidence, I'd say that, it's probably like the biggest aspect of working on your confidences, how you disclose share , be open and transparent about your neuro divergent traits.
Lydia: It's about having that confidence in your identity and not seeing it as, as a defect.I think as well, one of the really sort of challenging things is when you're kind of opening up and, and, and sharing with people is, is what their reaction's gonna be and how, and the onus being on you to educate people. And I think what can be really stressful, and I found this particularly with the bipolar diagnosis, you feel like you have to educate people.People will make comments so offhand, like, oh my God, she's so bipolar, or he's so bipolar and they use it as an insult. To go into an environment where you've heard people make comments like that and to feel comfortable, then exposing that part of yourself is never gonna happen. 'cause you, you, you, the fear is, is, is awful.
Like, well, what were they gonna think of me? They obviously have this negative association. And it's the same thing with ADHD or any, any diagnosis you get. The, the onus is on you to educate other people, and it's, that's tiring. It's exhausting. I don't wanna have to educate everybody on, on who I am.Yeah. And I think that's something that collectively we all kind of have to deal with is educating people. And that's scary. And it requires confidence. It also requires energy. And sometimes you can't be bothered. You're not always gonna wanna tell people because you just think can't bother today.But I do think that owning that part of your identity as you go along, you start to stop caring what other people's stereotypes are. If you live in your true, authentic self, you will show people the beauty of who you are as a whole, irrespective of your diagnoses.
Aar: So going back on , like when you said that your friend from like when you was in childhood, got diagnosed with ADHD and autism and with your ADHD and you potential autistic traits. So what are the telltale traits throughout your life that showed you had ADHD?
Lydia: Where do I begin? It's interesting because now I have the diagnosis to have more of the vocabulary around it, whereas I didn't have the vocabulary before. I am extremely time blind.
Good luck getting me anywhere on time. That is something that I have to put a lot of work in lateness. My focus is horrible. If I'm talking to somebody and I'm not interested, it is physical pain for me to try and stay engaged in the conversation. Physical pain. So that kind of staying focused on things that I'm not interested in is really hard for me. And that kind of actually spreads not just out and deal with communicating with people, but also in the way that you work. I hyperfocus massively. I'm a huge hyper fixator. So I do have these short burst hobbies where I'm really kind of interested and then I give up on them really quickly. But I also have, periods of hyperfocus where I'm really going for it. I think for me the really kind of classic ADHD symptoms that I'm affected by Yeah, the distractibility. I am incredibly impulsive, very chatty. If you hadn't noticed. I think I, I can be quite snappy and irritable.
I'm impatient, very impatient. That's something that I'm really working on at the moment, especially when it comes to work. When I go to work, I'm a different person. I'm like this. And I'm very impatient and I kind of expect other people's brains to work as fast as my brain does, which obviously most peoples don't. Racing thoughts. I have a hundred mile an hour Thoughts? I'm a great problem solver. But that's great when you want to solve a problem in the rest of your life, having thoughts that never shut up [0 isn't always a great quality. I, I'm an insomniac. I struggle to sleep. And I also have had, addiction issues in the past. So that's something that I have to work on as well, which again, is really common with people with, with ADHD, that constant hunt for dopamine I also suffer a lot with, with sensory issues. , I have a lot of sort of sensory icks, which I think is, is very ADHD and autism. I think they're kind of, you know, some of the crossover.
Disordered Eating In Neurodivergent People - Lydia’s Story
Things I also really struggle with disordered eating. So that's something that's kind of been an issue for me either eating loads or eating absolutely nothing at all. It, when I started taking medication, it, that got even worse and, and actually at the moment, Getting back into a routine of eating is, is something that I'm working really, really hard on.
I actually went, God, I'm just trying to think without proper, it's been about three months of, [00:41:00] of really struggling to eat at all. And I'll occasionally get days where I can sort of go for it, but that's sort of another issue. And if you don't eat your ADHD gets worse. So that inability to kind of focus and get down to things and, and all of, all of the symptoms that I listed, the depression, the anxiety all gets worse when you're not eating. So, so that's another one I think that people don't really talk about too much is the disordered eating that you can have with ADHD as well.
Aar: With the disorder eating, how has it affected you? And what are the things that have helped you in terms of like starting to recover from making like start on a bit more healthier relationship with it, you know, improve, like eating disorder, if you get what i
Lydia: mean? Yeah.So I have actually kind of pr, I feel like I'm really coming through the other side with this one. I've had a lot of help from therapists with [00:42:00] this, so a lot of my kind of food issues can be sensory. So it's a bit complicated to explain, but when it comes to food, there is an awful lot of anxiety wrapped up in the idea of planning food.I find that very overwhelming and preparing food seems like a really daunting task to me. So if I do have a hunger pang and I'm sitting there and I think, oh, I am actually quite hungry right now, I'll then immediately think about everything that's required in order to make a meal, and it'll put me off and I just won't eat.
So that's kind of one of the things. And then the other thing is not having any hunger at all. , I don't recognise my hunger signals, so I can go the whole day without eating, no problem. I'll get to about 7, 8, 9 pm and I'll think, cool. I'm really dizzy. Why am I dizzy? Haven't eaten all day. So one of the tips that my occupational therapist gave me was to basically eat ready meals. She said, the first thing we need to target is your routine with eating. So, she said, don't worry about preparing food. Don't worry about cooking. Don't worry about any of that stuff. Just get ready meals in. So I got ready meals and I set alarms to eat and all I had to do was go and put the food in the microwave. It changed my life. My focus was much better. My ADHD symptoms were much better and I was on medication that was helping, but just having the fuel to function in my body really changed everything. I actually started to lose weight. My body was really holding onto weight because I wasn't eating properly. It sounds really weird, but as soon as I started to eat, I started to lose weight in a healthy way. Then from that I sort of developed the routine with eating three times a day. I started just trying to eat two meals a day. Now I eat three meals a day. Um, and just this week I've actually started cooking.
So I've moved from now being able to eat three times a day to now I'm actually able to sort of prepare meals from scratch. Quite simple ones. I don't push myself. Um, and I only eat what I like to eat. I do have some sort of textural issues with some foods. So, if someone says to me, oh, I'm making so-and-so for dinner, do you want to have it?
Quite often I have a very immediate yuck response. No, I don't want that kind of a thing. So the eating is complicated. I, I have to kind of take control of it and make sure I've got stuff that I want to eat if I'm going to somebody's house and they're making food and I, I kind of don't want to, I'll eat, I'll have to make sure I ate beforehand. To make sure that I actually have eaten, but it's something I have to pay a lot of attention to. But it's also something that can be worked on and I'm grateful for
Aar: that. Yeah, I'm grateful for that. I think that has helped to understand having an neurodivergent condition and how that can impact on , can lead to multiple different health issues that might not necessarily be a trait [00:45:00] of the condition, but like from like the sensory issues, like knocked on from having that , eating disorder. Like with sensory issues and time management and working now, working out, plan out how to do meals and how to remember to eat. 'cause I saidyou're, not always sensing when you're hungry because like there sometimes the, stereotype of eating disorders is a, been triggered by a lot of trauma and like there isn't that representation of how it might be like a thing for like an ADHD person or autistic person and it's like that sensory body difference in recognising hunger
Lydia: I just wanna add, because I didn't mention it. Yeah. I also struggle with binge eating as well, because it's kind of like one or the other with me, and it tends to be phases. So if I'm feeling very depressed, I'll eat a lot because I'm comfort eating and it's, it's this very imbalanced relationship with food. And, and like you say, I think [00:46:00] it's actually something that doesn't really get I think from the bingeing side of it as well there's a humongous lack of respect, from like the general public to recognise that as an eating disorder , I know a lot of people, who have ADHD and autism who massively depend on food as a coping mechanism and have binge eating disorders and I think that the kind of. Rhetoric that exists at the moment is that, people kind of don't perceive binge eating disorder as, because if you're not skinny, you don't have an eating disorder. I'm not skinny, but I do have disordered eating and it affects my life hugely and in a really big way. All kinds of eating disorders can affect your life in, in a huge way. I think people tend to only really recognise, the classic ones we all know
Aar: Maybe with issues with binge eating like some of it may be attached to like there's a, wider societal issue of fatphobia and phobia around obes ity and you know, like society problem around how like people who perceive, like somebody who eats a of foods than what you typically normally have to eat. And you know, like, because like sometimes in society as say there's lack of, you know, education in some things and there's lack of improvising and seeing things for different pair of eyes of how you eat and how you see like a typically eating behaviours because like with being neurodivergent
and then I think from what you imply you like binge eating and eating a lot of food can sometimes be a comfort thing. But like in terms of when you got like ADHD autism , sensory conditions, like you got stimming behaviors, like sometimes for some people it might be oral stimming might be biting on certain objects, [00:48:00] but some people might not realise that like, similar stimming, but self-regulatory behavior could be eaten and binge eaten.
Lydia: I don't know if you relate to this, but I know that it's stimming or , I think it's sensory seeking behavior. I'm really into very strong flavors, so I pretty much fill everything with chili. I really love spicy food. I'm like a Tabasco nightmare. I also love really fizzy sweets, part flavors. Fizzy drinks as well is another one for me. I think that my hand's already going, thinking about it. , those sorts of sensory seeking things can happen with food as well. I think people think of sensory seeking behaviors as like touching things like tactile stuff, but you can do that with food as well.
And that can also add to, a bad relationship with food and kind of contribute to disordered eating patterns as well. Having that reliance on food to [00:49:00]provide sensory relief and stimulation.
Aar: as say from it , like, it's like one of those like not quite straightforward things and it does, make it quite hard, like in terms of how to work out and mitigate to make sure it's like a healthy relationship with food, like, and making sure that people who help people with eating disorders can understand these things.
And going back to what you've been saying about like the sensory issues and you potentially showing in autistic traits, from that, do you think that, like from what your friend implied that you could show autistic traits, do you think you may possibly have autism or do you think that some of it overlaps with autistic traits?
How to work out if it’s more than ADHD
and how do you distinguish between the neurodivergent conditions?
Lydia: This is a really interesting one. I think for me, the ADHD is the, is the predominant [00:50:00] diagnosis for me. With the autism, the traits that I sort of feel like are kind of very autistic for me is like sensory stuff.
I'm not very good with touch a lot of the time, so especially if I'm stressed, if people try to kind of hug me or touch me , oh God no, it is, I can't do that at all. I can't do kind of touch like this on my skin from other people. I've got an awful lot of, issues with clothes, what kind of clothes I can wear that can be really challenging for me.
I'm actually very limited in the kind of clothes that I can wear because I have such sensory issues. I think at the moment I feel like I. The support that I'm receiving and the medication that I'm on is sufficient for me to cope with my condition. So I'm not actually seeking an autism diagnosis at the moment, but in the future I would be interested to know if I do have autism.
I had a conversation with my mum recently. My mum and my sister watched it was a [00:51:00] program about autism and they, they were meeting people who have autism, you know, various places on the spectrum, my mum watched it and she said that all, she kept thinking the whole time she was watching it was, oh my god, that's Lydia. Oh my god, that's Lydia. So I think for me, I dunno if I've spent enough time really kind of evaluating myself enough to say, oh, well I think I've got, you know, these symptoms and these symptoms. I just recognize a lot of. Autistic traits in myself. Especially when I see in my friends. But I think, I think especially as I, where it stands right now, I had a very traumatic diagnosis experience. So for me to kind of seek out an additional diagnosis, I think some time would need to pass.
Aar: I guess from now you think it's a possibility rather than something that you would like pursue like a official diagnosis, but I said you haven't rule out to getting a diagnosis or mm-hmm. Like self-diagnosing with it. But one thing with like a guess autism and ADHD is definitely difficult to navigate and work out the differences between the conditions. Because like with myself, I do question whether I do have ADHD myself. So it is definitely just hard to distinguish the traits of the two conditions.
Lydia: Absolutely. And I think, the crossover traits between ADHD and autism, I mean, there are so many. I think one, one that springs to my mind is rejection sensitive dysphoria, which is one that I kind of spend a lot of time really thinking about because it relates directly to what I do with the whole confidence thing. , I suffer with rejection sensitive dysphoria. I've got a friend that was recently diagnosed with it as well. And a client that has been diagnosed with it as a standalone condition. It's a standalone condition now, not just a symptom. I'm not even sure if it was officially recognised as a symptom, but that kind of [00:53:00] sensitivity is something that's like a crossover with both ADHD and autism. , I think as well, one of my best friends is, is dyslexic. And the crossover of symptoms that me and her have is really interesting. So I think that all of the kind of neurodivergent conditions, dyspraxia, dyslexia, ADHD autism, etc., there's so much crossover that it's actually quite difficult to just put yourself in one box.
Aar: There is definitely mind field to navigate with those things because there, as you say that like rejection sensitivity dysphoria doesn't like relate to one specific condition on its own. It can co-occur with certain conditions , like you can be ADHD with it, autism and or dyslexic with it.,Like in a similar way to like stuff like alexythimia ,
Lydia: I think having a diagnosis is helpful. I think that for me, I feel like the kind of core that I have is ADHD and that's been recognised and 'cause of that, I'm then able to go and educate myself and find support that's kind of appropriate for ADHD. And along that journey, you learn more about autism and you can kind of go, oh, I have that as well. And find different things the, having a misdiagnosis can be incredibly traumatising and also not having a diagnosis at all.
And with my coaching, I target it at neurodivergent women, highly sensitive women and women who are self-diagnosed because, Self-diagnosis is so valid. If you feel that you are ADHD or autistic as a woman, you recognize those symptoms, you don't need a diagnosis in order to get out there, do some research, try and learn about your identity and find some support for your struggles.
I feel that really strongly, especially because the barrier between particularly women and diagnosis is just so bloody huge realistically it's not possible for everybody to get a diagnosis. There's so much circling around the whole diagnosis thing, being diagnosed undiagnosed, having to wait two years to get diagnosed.
I think with the growth of the content on TikTok and stuff, more people are identifying with those traits and irrespective of what anyone says ADHD anyway, is, is hugely underdiagnosed particularly in women and. I think a lot of women have these really highly sensitive traits,
Aar: As you were saying, like with, ADHD and autism and people see a lot of about it online and the TikTok view of it, there's lot like misconceptions of how it's been diagnosed. Like mainstream media narrative about it being overdiagnosed as you say, it's like underdiagnosed and it's only now that like whether it's women and girls or people , are presenting less typical traits to how it was typically viewed. Years ago, because it's like, it seemed like years ago, ADHD was just seen as like the naughty boy in a classroom.Like the the loud disruptive and now, now the view ADHD and how its presented the, it is totally changing its landscape and like, like there's lot more improving of the education around it, but there's still a lot more to go, but massively.
Getting diagnosed with Tourette’s Syndrome
want to go back on one of the other of your diagnosis is, tourettes disorder and your tics
so when was it that you started noticing that you had, tics and Tourettes?
Lydia: So this one was a really interesting, journeyg for me. I didn't realize that I've always had ticks I didn't realize, I don't think I realized because they were very minor, so it never really kind of affected me.But I would always do things like pull a silly face or like mess about with my [ tongue in my mouth or like, I would do this quite a lot with my hand. Um, I would feel like there's like an energy coming into me and I'd have to get it out like this with my hand, sort of minor stuff like that. And when I got the diagnosis of A ADHD the first thing that my psychiatrist wanted to try was stimulants.'cause obviously I think it's something like 80% of people with ADHD react really well to stimulant medication. So that was the first route we took. I, took the meds, , I took the pills very low dose of, methylphenidate for about three weeks I think. And. I was struggling to recognize that it was making me worse.
There's this thing called metacognition, which is the basically understanding the way that you think. I was struggling to recognize that the medication's making me worse, but it was, my, psychiatrist wanted to put me on a sort of low, low dose for that initial period because obviously I had the diagnosis of bipolar and he didn't want it to trigger mania.
Anyway, I had a phone call with him and I said, yep, it's fine. I'm fine. Nothing bad's happened. So he was like, okay, well you increase the dose. So I took a pill, an extra pill that day while I was on the call with him, hung up. 10 minutes later, my head was slamming into my shoulder repeatedly and I couldn't make it stop.
I'm trying to think how long it went on for, but the, the, the ticks I was having was every single day, every minute of the day, constant. Full body ticks. It was a lot of, like my head going back and forth. It was painful. It, it was actually very traumatizing. And again, my, my heart goes out to people that, that live with in a constant state of that because it, it, it, it nothing else.
It's bloody painful. , I had vocal ticks as well. Again, I think I've had vocal ticks my whole life, but it's, it's hard to, you just feel like you've blurted out something stupid when you have quite minor ticks and it's not kind of like forcing its way out, very kind of aggressively. So I think I took the dose for about three more days before I just completely stopped taking it and called my doctor and said, this is like going horribly wrong. But the, the intense ticks that I was having lasted for about, oh, I wanna say. Six to eight weeks. I was on holiday when it started and , that was slightly decreasing as , the medication was sort of, well, I don't even know if the medication was still in my system, but I was having them for such a long time, really bad ticks.
I was absolutely terrified that my job was gonna kind of find out, so I was trying to hide it. I was trying to hold the ticks in. Anybody that has ticks know that if you kind of hold a tick in, it's absolutely exhausting and painful. I had to keep kind of like running to the kitchen and having these huge tick attacks in the evenings. It would just be constant because I'd spent the whole day doing my absolute best to suppress it, and I would have these ginormous tick attacks in the evening. It was horrific. I was just crying constantly my ticks never really fully went away. One of the medications I take now suppresses ticks. So they're a little bit better now. The kind of full body ticks that I had sort of went away, I don't do that anymore. I don't tend to get, I do, sort of lift my head. If I do it, I'm gonna start, yeah, I'm gonna start ticking. But I do move my head around a bit with ticks. and I make noises and things like that. At the moment, I wouldn't say I find it debilitating. I, again, I think it's sort of like a confidence thing. I accept that it's a part of who I am. I'm, I tell people, oh, you know, I tick sometimes, I wink a lot that actually has got me into trouble. Um, winking is not a great tick. Let me tell you. I winked at a guy on the, uh, train once and sat mortified with my face out the window thinking that was so embarrassing.
To be honest with you, sometimes I do have tick attacks and I do have them on stronger on some days than other days. But I feel like other people suffer with it so much more than I do. For me, it's something that I just, kind of accept about myself.It's not something that I ever anticipate fully going away. and it doesn't get in the way of my life, but I, it is a visible, element to my disorder. So it's. In a way, if we kind of think about masking and, and covering things up, having the, the ticks being exacerbated by the meds and then all of a sudden sort of having a very sort of noticeable tick disorder took away my ability to fully mask being neurodivergent and having, mental health issues.
So I think one of the things that having ticks taught me was to be braver about being honest about who I am, , my identity and my diagnoses. You know, I, if I start shaking my head around and winking at people, I'm, I'm gonna have to explain, I have Tourettes, I'm sorry. Um, and I think that it's helped me actually with unmasking and being more authentic, I think because it's a very visible side effect of, of my ADHD. I mean, I've kind of considered them to be connected in a way. For me, I feel like it's all the excess energy bursting out of me.
Aar: Because in a way if you have two conditions at the same time you're gonna feel like they can interconnect with each other like, then you got like eating disorder to insomnia, anxiety, and depression and all those , conditions and traits kinda interlink because of your ADHD and of course like you would think that, you know, like your tourettes, goes hand in hand with like how your ADHD works and like how you sensory issues work.
So what the things that have helped you, in terms of your tics and tourettes to make sure like you , in, full, tic attacks and anything that could be like injurious or painful.
Lydia: It's really difficult to say because it's like sneezing, it's involuntary. To an extent, if I'm having mild ticks, I have an element of control over it, so I can sort of redirect it through my hand or, or something like that. It's very, very mild. , But now as it stands, um, I, like I say, my medication kind of reduces, sort of suppresses the tick.
So I, I suffer with it a lot less at the moment. However, when I'm starting to have a tick attack, which does still happen, I find meditating really, really helps. In fact, one of the things that I often do, and, and this is gonna sound silly, but I get my mum to hold my head. I think just having like my mum's hands on my head is really calming for me.But if I don't have my mum, I'll sit there and I'll hold my head like this. It's kind of an act of, because obviously like, I feel like that's where the tick's coming from. It's my brain, it's my head. I'm purposefully focusing all of my energy into my head to try and kind of, be stimulate and calm down.And I just sort of have to let it flow
Self-care
Aar: I think it kind of makes sense because like, as you said, with certain sensory things that I guess it's the pressure on your head, makes you feel a bit calm and that weights on your head and like,
so what are the things that, like you reached out now for support and like do certain things for self-care because like as you said, you do meditation and, and I think you do like stuff like yoga. So can you like see what other things in terms of self-care that have helped you?
Lydia: With self-care is so important. And I've actually, just made a poster for myself, which is on my wall, I think. Oh no, you can't see. Struggled with for a long time and I think. Understanding what self-care is is really important. Self-care isn't just about, you know, putting moisturizer on and, you know, meditating self-care is doing things to honor and respect your body and mind.
So one of the things that I did, which has changed my life was, I'm just trying to figure out when I started now. It would've been february, 2022. I joined a tag rugby team. It's called Try Tag Rugby. It's pretty much all over the country and it's mixed sport. It's boys and girls.
They do taster evenings, periodically through the year where you can go along and try it out. I met a woman, a wonderful woman, at a networking event, and we went and had coffee and I, she must have ADHD too. 'cause five hours we chatted at each other. Um, and she said to me, oh, you should come along and try it.
it was that evening. And to be honest, if it had have been the next day, I don't think I'd have gone, 'cause I'd have talked myself out of it, but I thought, oh, I'm gonna have to go now, blah, blah, blah. And I went, I joined a team and they're like family to me now. Um, it's been absolutely wonderful. I, I started playing once a week, now I play twice a week.
Just that feeling of having a group of people where you go, you play sports together, you have a drink afterwards or whatever. Um, that, that socializing and that having like a group of people kind of separate from everything else in your life is, is, I mean, it's safe to my life. I can tell you that because I've been through the hardest two years of my life and that team kept me going. The people on that team, and they were some of the first people that I disclosed my diagnosis to, they're incredibly supportive. I think it's really nice that it's sort of boys and girls. It's, it is the most beautiful environment that you could be in. So, so there's that, that I do, which is brilliant.
I could sit here and talk about it for hours and I also really struggle with rest. Getting rest properly and, and relaxing and, and doing self-care. So one of the things I've just created for myself, it is called a dopa menu, like dopamine menu. So a list of things that will give me dopamine, but also just kind of help to remind me to relax. So I've got that poster on my wall right now, I'm a massive journaler. I cannot, emphasise enough how much journaling changes your lives, how transformative the practice of journaling is. And I recommend it to absolutely everyone. It's something that's really important to me. I think I've been doing it now since 2019. I've been regularly journaling. That's something that I would say every single person ever should do, but particularly those of us who are neurodivergent. Because , a lot of the time we process how we are feeling verbally. So I process a lot of things by talking, but you can also do that in a journal.
So if you don't have someone to talk to, journaling can literally be your best friend. I'm looking at my menu for ideas of what I do. Also, I'm very spiritual person, so I'm like really into crystals and tarot and stuff like that. So that's one of the things I do. Um, and I think that having faith, having spirituality, um, can really help with purpose and, and stuff like that.It's not for everyone. Totally get it. Yeah. That's one of the things that, that's really important to me. Um, but yeah, I love writing. I love walking my dog. I think that's another thing, actually, just going back to the sports. One of the things I really struggle with is exercise. Actually. I can feel quite like I wanna stay in the house. I really struggle with being cold, so I quite often don't wanna leave. I also struggle with being hot, so I don't wanna leave the house. so sort of forcing myself to walk my dog. And having the sports team keeps me accountable, makes me go and exercise. I'd also recommend if it's affordable for people, if you wanna get exercising, get a personal trainer if you can afford it, or go to classes, things that hold you accountable, where other people are there, I find really, really helps.
Aar: Yeah, in terms of , when you mentioned about personal trainer there, like find your local gym and[01:09:00] look at different activities and you know, like. Exercise for classes you got going on. And so like, look for, what suits yourself and for many of us talking about the DOPA menu, what, like, explain what a dopa-menu (dopamine menu)?
Lydia: So a dopa menu is a list of things that will give you dopamine. So, for me I am very impulsive and one of the things that I have a tendency to do is to avoid spending time on my own. So I often in the evenings find myself driving around desperately looking for someone to hang out with. And it's a distraction technique. To avoid sort of sitting with yourself and being calm and kind of learning to sort of regulate. So a dopa menu is a list of things that will give you dopamine that is healthy and sort of within your own boundaries. So I have mine stuck on my wall so that I can see it very easily, and refer to it. So when it comes to the evening, 'cause I, I dunno about you, but sometimes I don't know what I want to do.Um, or I can't really remember what I enjoy doing. I know that sounds a bit silly, but I think that's just sort of working memory and being able to kind of recall what's important. And also the kind of fight against the temptation to get easy do easy cheap dopamine, like going out and getting a Coca-Cola from McDonald's and then, you know, darting around looking for someone to go to the pub with or whatever.
So on my DOPA menu I have got in blue. Lots of things that I like to do To relax. So if I give you a few examples, I've got meditate, listen to podcasts, creative writing, yoga, FaceTime dates with friends, playing the Sims. I love playing the Sims, no shame. , and then in Orange, I've also got things that help me get into the space to do that.
So use a timer light a candle, play music. I've also got YouTube fireplace. I put, YouTube on my TV and, and I get like a fireplace and that really sets a vibe for me. I don't wanna leave my room and I've got the fireplace on. I'm like, oh God. Yeah, I'm ready to chill. So I actually made the poster on Canva. It's, I'm not the most creative design person ever and now I have it on my wall. So I really love that, and it does remind me of ways I can kind of care for myself.
About Lydia’s Confidence Coaching
Aar: When you wanted to come on the podcast to talk about your work with confident woman coaching work.
Give an idea to the work that you do give like a way of like telling people what you do and how they can find you online and how people can reach out to you
Lydia: , so I discovered quite early on that I, I am quite a naturally confident person, although I have been on a journey with it and built it over time.
I discovered quite early on in my career that I had a real passion for mentoring women. I kind of discovered that a lot of the women that I worked with were really insecure and shy, and they weren't getting what they deserved out of work. They were afraid to ask for pay rises and promotions, and as a result, they were getting stuck where they were, and that was denting their confidence even more.They felt like they were overlooked. So I mentored, some women at work and helped 'em to get pay rises and promotions, and that lit a fire within me. First thing I actually did was I set up an events company for women where I started doing networking events for women, bringing young women together in a really fun, non-intimidating way.
So when I decided I wanted to work for myself, what I really wanted to do was work with specifically neurodivergent women who I feel suffer significantly more with their confidence. Also highly sensitive women, women that don't necessarily have a diagnosis of a neurodivergent condition, but really relate to kind of, you know, RSD hypersensitivity that, real struggle with confidence in getting what you want.
I went on a course to learn how to do that and I had great success with a couple of clients. Got so much out of it and I realised this is kind of my place, , in the world. I want to support women to get what they deserve in life, to step into their identity, own who they are.Be able to kind of face the world bravely and express their authentic selves. Confidence changes, literally everything, that limiting beliefs rush us completely. And everybody's affected by this, but my particular interest is in women. , I'm on TikTok @the.confidentwoman and Instagram at the @confident.woman.
I offer one-to-one coaching and I also am working on some really affordable, downloadable workbooks as well, so that it's kind of accessible to everybody.
, my main thing is making sure as many women as possible have [01:14:00]access to confidence, learn how to grow it, learn how to keep it, and really learn. How to love themselves and get what they deserve,
Aar: yeah. So I guess from when you doing these one to one sessions you tend to chat, other neurodivergent people about like what's going on in their lives and help them and understand and be more aware of any, neurodivergent conditions they may have, and looking at how they can improve things in their lives and looking at problems and like helping them solve them.
Is it more like that?
Lydia: The key first of all, is getting to know yourself, becoming firm in your identity. A lot of us are people pleasers and self sacrifices, and we can lose our identity whilst we're doing that. So the first kind of stage is really getting to know yourself and understanding who you are, your values, what's important to you.
After we kind of do that, then we start to look at. Where are the areas that your confidence is low? And then we find practical solutions bespoke to each person as to how we're going to achieve that step by step, achievable, rate of pace and go from there and build it. Confidence is something that can be learned. You are not just born with it. It isn't something that is just reserved for the elite few that just happened to have it because they are X, Y, and Z. No, we can all be confident. It is for everybody. We all just have to learn. And some of us just haven't got the skills yet.
But honestly, it's something that should be for everyone. And, women particularly neurodivergent women, really suffer in, in lacking confidence. And there's a lot to work through with RSD. For me, it's about getting you to understand your identity and who you are and then building a toolkit to deal with situations going forwards to become a more confident person.
Aar: You think it's like given people the help and support that you wish you had when you are getting diagnosed?
Lydia: I honestly wish that I had a service like this when I was going through my diagnosis and when I was going through burnout as well. There are, , I look back on my career with, with a tinging of sadness that at sometimes I felt so crushed by it. That I got myself to a place where I could really handle anything.
And I mean, the thing with confidence is even the most confident people, you know, have wobbles. We are not perfect. Like everybody will have the moments, but being able to trust yourself, handle yourself, make decisions for yourself and put yourself first is, is so important. And it's something that, yes, I, I do wish that I'd had a service like this at the time.
, and I think that people probably don't realize the, the kind of scope of the impact of a lack of confidence on every area of your life and the way your life changes. That is just huge When you have confidence, confidence changes, literally everything. Everything.
Neurodivergent Problems and Lydia’s One Thing
Aar: As you said you wish you had this type of support when getting diagnosed, what are main key problems do you think are out there for, neurodivergent people?
Lydia: I think probably you're looking at things like imposter syndrome. I mean, imposter syndrome affects 70% of the population. , and then if you kind of close in on the neurodivergent women, that is absolutely huge. We all think we're frauds. We all think that we've somehow fluked getting where we are when we haven't.
That kind of lack of recognition of your own successes, recognizing what you've done, the limiting beliefs and having a diagnosis can make your limiting beliefs worse because it's almost like confirmation, oh God, there's something wrong with me that can kind of add to the limiting beliefs that you have. You can only do as well as you are willing to believe you can do, , the other thing that. Neurodivergent people particularly suffer with is negative self-talk. If you [01:18:00] have a constant train of self critical thoughts going through your head, of course you are going to lack confidence.
So that's something that I work with my clients on is kind of breaking that down, breaking down the, negative thought patterns and tracking the moments of, lack of confidence and seeing like what we're saying to ourselves is important. So that's definitely up there. Rejection sensitive dysphoria is so common amongst basically all neurodivergent people. Like we were saying earlier, it's not unique to just one of the conditions. It's a standalone diagnosis in its own right and it's a symptom common in all of the neurodivergent conditions. That hypersensitivity to perceived or real rejection has a huge impact on confidence, and you do need tools to work on that. That's really important.
Aar: as you were saying that sometimes when you get diagnosis it can , make you feel lacking confidence, like seeing the limitations. And I think that can sometimes come from societies social ableism when you see of people struggling and finding things hard in society, and I know you listened to this podcast before and one of the questions they tend to ask what what things can be done to make things better for neurodivergent people in society ?
Lydia: I think the first one for me is, is education. Neurodivergence affects such a huge proportion of the population that it's, it's embarrassing really, that we don't have the education on it. That there's still so much stigma and taboo. I think it's something that schools need to understand, employers need to understand.
also we need to understand about ourselves as well. I think that we're really lacking that kind of understanding of it. , I think the way that work is for neurodivergent people is unsustainable. I think it's getting a little bit better, but there's still so much of a taboo around it that people are afraid to disclose their [01:20:00] diagnoses to work and therefore get the kind of adjustments they need. I think ableism and, and stigma , I mean, I was only diagnosed two years ago and the psychiatrist said , you can't be ADHD 'cause you're stupid. I mean, it's, it comes back to education really. I think people need to be far more aware, of what it is and what it means. I think the things like podcasts like this, social media really shine a spotlight on what it is to be neurodivergent. And I think it shows us at our best and shows how much value we add. And I do think that that understanding is growing, but I still think there's a long way to go. I think that schools need to do better. Employers need to do better
Aar: To take away from this, what are the things you would wish that people in terms of education and awareness, what are the key things or the key thing that people should be aware of about ADHD and a bipolar disorder and Tourettes since including bipolar disorder? [01:21:00] Because like from your misdiagnosis, you was able to learn a lot more about condition and how people perceive that condition is.
Lydia: I think that we need to be more flexible in our approach. And I don't even think that this is just for the benefit of neurodivergent people. I think that we are working and learning in a way that is so outdated it doesn't really suit the world anymore.
I think people need to know that, People who are neurodivergent and, you know, suffer with mental illness, we might need more flexibility in the way that things are kind of done. Like me personally, I am an amazing worker, but I know that I can't work a nine to five like everybody else. And currently I don't think there's anything in law that says that we can kind of work more flexible hours, and with schools as well, they need to be looking out for it [01:22:00] far more than they are. And I think that the, the constant pressure for just academic grades and, and not actually nurturing your children, the children in your care is, unsustainable . It just creates damaged people at the end of the day. And then we have to, as adults do the repair work on that. It is difficult because I think the whole system needs a huge overhaul and at the moment we are trying to kind of fight for it to, of get our adjustments in place. But I think the whole system needs a revamp because we are losing so much value that could be added to the world generally from neurodivergent people because we're overlooked.
It's like a square peg trying to go through a circle hole. It's not gonna happen. But that doesn't mean that we're any less valuable. We need to treat people like individual human beings. I think the problem with the whole nine to five structure is it's very much a kind of copy paste. Everybody does the same thing and that doesn't work for everybody.
Conclusion
And I think you have to treat everybody as an individual and as an employer. What I would say to employers is ask your employees, what do you need from me to make your working life easier? Do you need more flexible working time? Do you need more deadlines? Do you need more check-ins or do you need to be left alone a bit more?
Do you want to kind of revisit these things? I think that's the thing for me, treat people as individual human beings, not as numbers. Yeah. And I think you will get so much more out of people.
Aar: Exactly. And is there any like thing that you want to say that I haven't got to say already on a podcast or anything else you said to, you sent me a list of topics and things to cover off on a podcast.
Is there anything that you like, include I might with missed out in the terms of like the questions.
Lydia: I think we've covered a lot. , I think what I would say as my kind of closing statement is that we all deserve to be confident in who we are as people. We all deserve to own our unique identity. We all deserve the right to unmask and be our authentic selves.
And I hope for everybody listening and watching that you are able to find that within yourself. And don't be afraid to ask for help. Life is so much better when you trust yourself. And I think we, we spend such a long time, feeling shamed for who we are as people. And it's time to kind of crawl out of that shell and own who you are and step into the step into your own spotlight.
