Autisticly Aar’s Diary: 3rd of September, 2023

Sometimes being neurodivergent suspected undiagnosed ADHD with dyspraxia and autism I feel that my goals and aspirations doesn’t match reality and it can be how imposter syndrome, lack of self-esteem and feelings of loneliness, anxiety and depression can kick in with neurodivergent people. As a Generation Z individual I have found my communities and world online and something how positive it can be that positivity might always feel good. We often post our best life or even our worst and the amount of that people can share can feel enviable of how much people can produce. Even with my neurodivergent peers honestly I find myself enviable of how productive and good they are at making content it can feel a bad thing to say that. It doesn’t feel good. Strangely seeing how well other people are producing content and how much they do isn’t always the motivation. Although how motivated of late I have been since the podcast returned last year I still haven’t ticked off all the hopes and anticipations I have for it. It can even feel that internal boiling pressure to do things and do them right from hobbies and interest feeling like you need to know more and do more.

When returned doing my podcast and video content I haven’t earned a pence off it and in all honesty am spending more on it in designing a website, paying for transcription software, camera technology, graphic and brand design, paid promotions and microphone with more ideas of developing professional branding quality content. It is something without sounding desperate that I really want to work as a goal for the end of this year getting some money and revenue from this as I am in the 85% of autistic people without employment. I would love to make this a profitable project because I am brimming with ideas. Problem is whilst I am tech savvy I’ve been clueless of how to work out doing a fast pace growth and not getting the rocket boost I need for the work I am doing and would love to work out how to bring some money in. It’s hard to figure that one out yourself when you are learning to make content from scratch. I so wish that my school did run a GCSE in media studies.

Over the summer I set myself the goal of re-designing my website which I’ve officially relaunched the re-design that promotes the ambition I have for more video and audio content across the Neuro Rainbow Project and launched the rebrand of the YouTube channel and taking the podcast now to Facebook Watch. With focusing on developing video content it seemed like a good idea to explore making multi-media content and improving accessibility focusing on adding subtitles to videos and launching transcripts. Subscribing to Description is the best podcast editing software I’ve tried as I can edit the transcript, video and audio at once to cut down on faff. Working through the archives and new episodes I want to put out is taking a lot longer than I anticipated going through listening to the audio of the podcast whilst looking at the script. The software uses artificial intelligence software to detect the words spoken to generate subtitles much how YouTube, TikTok and Facebook Watch do; my experience can be frustrating.

Listening to my voice has from since can remember in primary school having to listen to my voice recorded for some project made me cringe in embarrassment and confusion that this is how my voice sounds like. I’m pleased to say that listening back to my podcast to edit it out before it’s release and with microphone feedback its more tolerable and sounds more like how I hear I sound. Editing the generated script from the videos that uses artificial intelligence has taken more time due to the software not as recognising my words as clearly that can be frustrating. Listening and editing I’ve learnt how my dyspraxia affects my speech. Not speaking with the clearest diction and sometimes fast sometimes stumbling and tumbling over my words. It can sound like I’m getting flustered and that can be a barrier to recording stuff and in making content that is very much a barrier to make audio and video content. Frustrating when I have ideas things I wish to make and do but don’t always find the easiest. I find it’s a lot easier to get your thoughts and ideas out effectively through typing and writing stuff although I am prone to not finishing the pieces I start. This is something that can be a potential ADHD flag (I think) in not being able to always start than what I do It’s a lot easier to formulate my ideas while typing and communicate more articulate than sometimes speech because when you have both dyspraxia and autism, which I explore in my latest podcast episode, I feel like I’m trying to multi-task.

Having neuro-development conditions like autism dyspraxia, apraxia or any other neuro-developmental conditions affects how you do things and dyspraxia is Greek for bad at doing and its that difficulty in doing stuff. If you thinking and doing stuff at the same time which you are always doing is multi-tasking for your brain and it can have issues in processing stuff. My brain can at times have struggle in working out what to say or type that could lead to pressing the wrong buttons on the key-board or saying the wrong words when I mean’t something else or repeating stuttering and stumbling over my words as my brain is thinking faster than I can do. This extra processing and challenges with how brain functions can make doing stuff more exhausting than our peers.

When I was diagnosed I was seen as high-functioning, I don’t recognise functioning labels no more. I would ask what’s high functioning about me? Autism today can be theorised in to three types how applicable these there types are I’m not commenting on today. But in line with my autism diagnosis I’d assume that a psychologist interpretation would put me in Type 1 which falls in the more to ‘low support needs’. Its hard to define my own support needs I find I need assistance and reminders in performing tasks and things in day to day life and not someone with full independence. Whilst I’m a speaking autist who is not semi-speaking or non-speaking I recognise that sometimes communication by speech isn’t always my preferred means when being tired or become disinterested where by communication by words become a chore. At times as a child I could talk a lot about any old rubbish. However, unless it’s on social media I find I’m not one for info-dumping not at least in a space with someone who has mutual interest.

Doing my podcast comes with one or two recordings in every few weeks at the moment and on busiest have had a few in one week. It’s something since it’s returned doing the recording and chatting to people its the thing I do the most. I think it acts as some sort of therapy but a space where I can sit and chat to different people. It’s something that listening back I find I could’ve should’ve or would’ve done somethings differently and even with the editing whether that is talking too much about myself or going on and not asking things in a clear, concise manner. Doing interviews is something that I’m learning from scratch and so far managed to make positive connections and all good reviews of how the guests felt they enjoyed the interview and how I’ve done hosting the podcast. Although from my little life experience but in fairness still at a young age with most of my life ahead of me I find that although yes with what ever life experienced I’ve snapped up since the being born in September of millennium year I do draw from some of that in my interviews. But I realise I’m the least interesting person to hear from but that could me doing myself down too harshly. I think if when it comes something that I want to try to do is doing some solo content creation video-blogging and bit of TikTok stuff to try to dabble in that would be outside of my comfort zone and in a position where I would understand the anxieties of my guests more. I always try to make guests at ease some of the guests that I say they are somewhat anxious about coming on have done their own YouTube and Tik-Tok content that sounds more daunting to me. In being more vulnerable where you are sharing your thoughts and feelings in front of a camera by yourself. I find as I invite my guests on to the podcasts most often or not they are the ones that make me at ease doing this.

It’s a daunting world and something I’m learning at the day of how to ‘content create’ I wouldn’t say ‘influencer’ ever but not got the amount of subscribers, listeners and viewers yet. What ever I do with this I’m just going to make myself comfortable with it and make this something that I can enjoy and not a mountain to climb. I’ll dabble in experimenting different means of communication and how to communicate in many ways of the autistic language.