Published by and written for Dyspraxia Magazine with credits to Charis Gambon and Krystal Bella Shaw

Written by Autisticly Aar Jae Williams

In the summer of 2020 during the instability of the coronavirus pandemic through the periods of lockdowns I began doing something that would become so cathartic and therapeutic that was launching a podcast. I had no experience in producing audio before or scripting or planning a podcast show but became important in a tough time for myself. As at that time I was struggling through my worst period of autistic burnout, anxiety and depression.

Before I introduce you to the podcast itself I wish to give you a brief introduction to my own neurodivergent story and what in my life lead to the launch of this podcast show and this prolonged period of autistic burnout. In essence this will give you the story of my own life.

What you need to know about my neurodivergence is that I am dyspraxic.As this is being published in the Dyspraxia Magazine I assumed you’d made this conclusion already. Dyspraxia is the first neurodivergent condition I was diagnosed with before my autism diagnosis. My dyspraxia diagnosis came at the age of 6. Through my adult life I retrospectively considered how I got diagnosed as dyspraxic before I was diagnosed autistic; I believe I was diagnosed dyspraxic first because although dyspraxia is a hidden disability the traits of dyspraxia can be more visible to the neurotypical eye for a school aged child as I was unable to and remain to this day unable to tie my own shoelaces or never rode a bike without stabilisers, handwriting legibility also has been an issue for myself. Although throughout school I found it much easier to write on paper than typing on a computer as for this article I had drafted this with pad and pen. I’ve found the reason for this as being a native to handwriting I’ve been able to sync the flow of my words coming from my mind to hand of my pen on paper. Writing on a computer can have a noticeable time delay it takes me longer and can make more horrendous typos errors that I wouldn’t have made from pad and pen and be less distracted.

Preceding my autism diagnosis I was diagnosed with high general anxiety disorder when I was 9 years old which stemmed from how my autism traits were often jaded and blurred between the lines of autism and general anxiety disorder the panic attacks I would have were most often likely sensory overloads and meltdowns that presented as panic attacks with all the symptoms and traits that of with it. My phobias could stem from being overstimulated and the things that gave me sensory overload or linked to the challenges faced with by my dyspraxia with anxieties that made physical education harder likewise phobias of change. I believe strongly as I started talking therapy through CAMHS, it was through that that I would be referred to have my autism diagnosis (then medically referred to as Aspergers). That diagnosis came when I was 10 of the year of 2010 (approximately).

When I was diagnosed both as being dyspraxic and autistic I masked my diagnosis likely because of my anxieties and challenges with being vulnerable with my peers. It was weeks before my eighteenth birthday in 2018 that I plucked up the confidence to disclose my autism and dyspraxia to those I’ve been in school with and were at that time were to enter my second year of doing my A-Levels. This was done on the August of 2018 and done via text messages as I never really did socialise with my peers from school in school holidays. I lacked the confidence still then to be that vulnerable in an in person conversation verbally discussing this. What has came the most natural to myself is to mask and thats what I’ve always did best.

One memory of how later on my neurodivergence came up in conversation where it felt the right moment to disclose. It was months on from my eighteenth birthday and was in my A-Level art class and in art I was always making a mess of myself and felt an accurate display of what dyspraxia can look like of the clumsy and carefree approach to art with painting. It was mostly just myself being a victim of my own clumsiness with paint going in my beard, splatters of it on my clothes and in my hair, often not knowing the extent of my own clumsiness, one day one of my A-Level art classmates fell victim to my clumsiness. I was painting something in the style of Jackson pollock flicking paint in style of his abstract free flowing paint splatters those splatters I was doing landed on her brand new trousers. She the fellow art student known how frequently clumsy I was and was curious to how frequently clumsy I could be and in that moment I stated “I was dyspraxic”. Of all the time I was in school and sixth form I knew I was dyspraxic. Approximately twelve years at that time that was the first time I told anyone about it.

I find that dyspraxia and autism and probable ADHD combine and all the traits overlap as it is the reality of my mind and shapes who I am and with mental health challenges of anxiety and now depression which is causations can lie in autistic burnout was the perfect concoction for autistic burnout. Not too long ago I thought that it would be super-rare for someone to have co occurring dyspraxia and autism I now know its all too common as I’ve found out through my podcast. My own autistic burnout originated from when my A-Level results day happened which met the realty that the biggest change and challenge of entering the adult world was imminent. On the day I should’ve been celebrating I remember having a full blown meltdown over the daunting tides of change I was ill-prepared for. I only lasted five weeks at university my anxiety was too high and was too overwhelmed on a daily basis not helped by any support that I’d need wasn’t there on day one. It was then I learnt my own support needs and how that I could longer mask and no longer ignore my autism and dyspraxia as I have done in the past.

At that point of transitioning from sixth form to university I realised how isolating masking can be and how much effects it can be identified on ones mental health and social life and how much I needed to find and socialise with my own people by that is neurodivergent people and to learn about my neurodivergent self and this is where my own neurodivergent story intertwines with my podcasting.

At the beginning of the podcast which launched in August of 2020 running for an initial run of a few episodes until October of that year it wasn’t unitl; I didn’t have a new podcast episode. The podcast has seen myself explore the spectrum of what is neurodivergency exploring conditions of dyspraxia, autism, ADHD and other neurodivergent conditions, disabilities and chronic illnesses. The podcast ‘Neuro Rainbow Cast with Autisticly Aar’ over the past four years has seen me chat to a number of dyspraxic people on the podcast from the likes of comedian Harriet Kemsley who I remember as the first person on television who is dyspraxic of which she has explored in her comedy and had me howling in laughter on her appearances on Channel 4’s 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, and BBC’s ‘Live At The Apollo’ and have seen her performing her stand-up show ‘Honey Suckle Island’ in Cardiff’s Glee Club in 2022. Ive also interviewed Rosemary Richings the dyspraxic journalist and author who has written the book ‘Stumbling Through Space And Time: Living Live with Dyspraxia’ providing encyclopaedic knowledge of dyspraxia, Kaiya Stone on her memoir ‘Everything Is Going To Be K.O’ a memoir about her lived experiences from childhood to studying as a student with learning difficulties including dyspraxia, dyslexia and ADHD and Dyspraxia Magazine writer Charis Gambon has recently joined me on the podcast very recently where we talked about her dyspraxia, autism, fencing, interest in history and work with the Dyspraxia Magazine, Dyspraxia Collective and the now defunct Dyspraxia Foundation.

Coming this October I will be releasing a podcast special episode documenting the closure of the Dyspraxia Foundation hearing from those who had a stake in the organisation to talk about its demise with contributions from Tumi Sotire, Jess Starns and Janet Taylor who share their thoughts about the legacy of the organisation and other things that will come in its succession. There is already grounds running for a successive group called the Dyspraxia Collective I’m excited to see what comes of it.

With podcasting the principles that define how I approach producing podcasts come from empathy, authenticity and community and all of these have been important from myself in unmasking and what I’ve managed to achieve for myself. I’ve enjoyed greatly listening to and learning from other people and hearing their shared experiences that have educated myself and allowed myself to make friends and socialise with like minded people. It’s not just about making episodes and getting listeners its about something much more than that and that is what I’ve learnt.