Deep Dive Into D.i.d
Deep Dive Into Dissociative Identity Disorder with Raz
Introduction
This interview was conducted by Aar Jae Wlliams a non-binary neurodivergent host of the podcast Pacifying with Autisicly Aar, they can also be referred to under the moniker of Eira-Auri found on social media with the tags @neurorainbowproject and @pacifyingmyautism. They were interviewing Raz a host of a D.I.D alter system who is non-binary and gender fluid like Eira- Auri or they use they/them pronouns and it was Raz fronting and representing the system on this interview. You can follow them on Instagram under the social media handle @Little_Alt Space and I am a little as well as somebody who is diagnosed with DID, so I have a system with littles as well.
Q. What Is D.I.D?
D.I.D stands for Dissociative Identity Disorder which used to be known as Multiple Personality Disorder. It was changed recently because multiple personalities has been vilified in the media as well as on TV shows and in movies. D. I. D. is caused by severe trauma in early childhood before the brain has developed a core personality, a single personality. Instead of having that single personality, I developed multiples to cope and deal with the trauma that I experienced in childhood and because of that some of these personalities, these alters, are different ages with different gender identities, they have different sexualities because their experiences are all different. They have lived lives differently than say I have lived because of the disassociation and there's amnesia blockers between different alters. And that's the case for a lot of people with DID. Some people don't have the amnesia blockers as much
Q. How does dissociative identity disorder affect you and how do you explain it to people?
Dissociative identity disorder affects me with my relationships because sometimes I forget people that I've met although my body has met the person a different personality (alter) at the time had met them. This goes back to the amnesia blockers and how with multiple alters within a D.I.D system having multiple alters means that we switch in and out and and become and is like living as different people within the same body. So this means that there are people in the life of alters that not all alters with in the system would recognise.
It's really obvious with my alters who have different gender identities. And like this time last year my alter Rylan was fronting the most (acting as the host) and would go to work and make decisions about the systems body and our collective lives that all alters within the system weren’t unanimously mutually agreed. What other people wanted in the body in the system, for example, was that Rylan cut off all our hair and dyed it blonde and we're (system) still recovering our hair from that. I'm wearing a wig right now. Because my natural hair is so short and, and that's just like one example of decisions that other alters have made that impacts my life as somebody with DID.
Notes: I consider we could affect relationships because a large proportion of mental illnesses and mental health conditions are misunderstood, but I think what I can understand from the idea it's when I was like, in the sense that is very much misunderstood and Because as I said, like you should be defined as multiple personality Disorder now known as DID.
Of course, you have that thing where You're often finding yourself having to explain that but also explain that at certain times like that you might not be like as you say you are as but sometimes you can be as you said by then. And through different, alters or personalities
it is something then, to wrap other people's heads around and I guess there's a lot of confusion and misunderstanding.
Raz: With my relationship with me and my partner of seven years into the relationship who I love deeply but there isn’t a mutual understanding of why there are these multiple personalities of which there are some male alters. My partner is strictly a lesbian and is uncomfortable around my male personalities because they are very masculine and have contrastingly different personalities from me, Raz, who is a very bubbly and feminine. I as Raz love age-regression.
Note: As we record this interview Raz is in her little-space that they regresses in and acts as her safe and playful space where she is surrounded with plushies, her drawings and is wearing one of many onesies they have brought from ABDL stores and brands and has an customised adult pacifier on her person too.
Like how their partner isn’t entirely comfortable with my male alters some of the alters within the system don’t like age-regression and my ABDL identity. Some of them do find little space embarrassing and uncomfortable. These alters may be the elder and more mature alters. But me, Raz on the other hand, I find it very comforting. I find it's my safe place. It's where I go when I need a break from real life in the adult world.
Note: In this interview I reflected on how Raz and the alters like myself someone without dissociative identity disorder would have so many questions about disassociative identity disorder; possibly even more questions than I do about the condition that they have and shapes who they are. Each alter may have a different list of questions about D.I.D to another alter and many questions about the other alters in the system. I recognised for Raz it must be a challenge especially for the host in the system of balancheing and navigating the different needs and interests of all the alters within the system which can differ by age or gender of those within the system which depicts how gender fluidity can present within a person diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder
Q. What has it been learning you have D.I.D and understanding your condition. What has been the things that helped you out to accept and embrace having D.I.D?
A. Little Space helps me to accept my dissociative identity disorder more and to meet the needs of my little alters (littles or littles in alter systems refer to those within the system. A commonly used phrase with those with the condition to classify their alters with the psychological mind state of a child.
When I was researching D.I.D. Following receiving my diagnosis I was on a new journey of trying to understand myself and through the research I stumbled upon little space because as somebody with D. I. D. Regression is where I started in exploring little-space. When I started exploring little-space and age-regression I didn’t identify as a little or ABDL or any of that. I started off as an age regressor and that really helped me cope with the differences between those of us within the system and this can be confusing and hard to manage that I as Raz have conflicting preferences to other alters within my system.
Q. Raz’s Background in Age-regression: How has it helped you? And, What were the things that helped you explore and navigate your age-regression journey?
A. Age-regression has been beneficial in navigating having dissociative identity disorder and trauma healing. How it has helped me with my D.I.D is through unlocking some of those amnesia barriers that were between alters in the system and helped me communicate between other alters that there wasn’t that communication and understanding as there were before. It was all part of this learning process of who I am, who these other people are in my body, as well as learning how age regression has been healing for my childhood trauma. You can go into that regressed mindset of us, because when you think about it, any little alter would be a natural form of age regression and DID. And that explains why it's so linked. In terms of How it's were the things you were doing or the behavious or thoughts that started to explore that age regressing space.
Q. What were the things that you allowed yourself to start do when you began exploring little-space and nourish the needs of the littles within your system and fulfilling the needs that weren’t met in your childhood?
A. As somebody with childhood trauma a lot of my childhood needs were not met in childhood. I'm meeting those needs now as an adult. I began to explore nurishing my needs as someone who age-regresses by consuming a lot of ‘little space media’ through YouTube, TikTok and Instagram. I created my Instagram to meet other littles and other people with D.I.D who were like minded. I’ve made a friends through social media in the age-regression, little-space and ABDL communities.
Through this period of my life of exploring little space and begining to nourish the inner-child from within I’ve grown as a person. This has been a period of self-development and education about myself through sharing my experiences online and social interactions like what this podcast interview achieves. On my Instagram I do post about the regression I experience through photos of myself in my age-regressed little-space and use it to explore ABDL lifestyle.
Note: Through Raz’s Instagram account they are seen engaging in aspects of ABDL online culture like diaper checks which involves consenting diaper lovers tagging fellow diaper wearers in their social media stories and posts for them to share a photo of them in their adult diapers and keeping the chain going by tagging other peoples accounts. They are often seen posting photos of themselves using decorated customised adult pacifiers with different designs often made to enhance a child-like cutesy and playful fashion with glitter, prints or buttons. Also they share photos of different play-dates and social gatherings they’ve managed to have with other littles or ‘sibbies’ meaning siblings often platonic relationships with other age-regressors or people from ABDL communities.
What's interesting is other alters within the system have become interested in little space and regression through my Instagram and started participating much like other alters like my alter Rylan. Rylan last year was the host, the one alter who was predominantly fronting, was the one who was posting on Instagram mostly, and was keeping my Instagram going while I (Raz) was fronting less and was not the host. What I find nice about having D.I.D is if life gets overwhelming and I can't handle it anymore, there's somebody else who can come forward and take over.
It is thought of that dissociative identity disorder could be thought of a neurological trauma response that stems from an instinct to protect the person. Alters within D.I.D systems can hold trauma and hold that specific trauma from other alters in the system using amnesia barriers from blocking traumatic memories and thoughts. A means of protecting the system from the effects of a life of trauma. D.I.D can provide a whole host of challenges as these coping mechanisms aren’t as easy to treat, diagnosed or be understood and living with the condition can be disabling.
Q. Is your dissociative identity disorder linked to your autism and ADHD? And, Has living without an autism diagnosis been factor to the complex trauma that in causing your dissociative identity disorder?
A. Yes. At the time I was getting diagnosed with ADHD, dyslexia, auditory processing disorder, as well as a plethora of mental illnesses, and all of which stems to autism. This is because a lot of people with autism actually have trauma surrounding their autism because the world is so unkind to people with autism. And I think that's part of my trauma is having autism undiagnosed as a child, unable to get help, and being forced into the society that doesn't really protect people with autism,
Q. What are your autism and ADHD traits? And, How do they link?
A. What’s really interesting is some alters are more affected by my autism than others within my system. Some alters are more ADHD than others. And I'm not sure why that is. I'm sure there's studies done on it. I would say I’m someone who struggles with autism. I struggle with sensory issues, and different communication challenges. When I grew up I learned American Sign Language because I had issues communicating with people. I unfortunately don't practice my sign language anymore and I don't remember a whole lot of it. but I used to really struggle with communication and sensory issues. I would have to wear ear headphones with earplugs in them so that I could go out in public because noises wereoverwhelming but other alters don't have as much issues with them. As somebody who also has autism you deal with the day to day differences and some days you can handle it and some days you just can't.
Q. How does your autism and ADHD link to age-regression and how have the tools you use to nourish and explore age-regression became your sensory comforts?
As somebody who has different processing disorders, I found A lot of comfort in little items such as pacifiers. I have one right here (as we recorded Raz showed their pacifier to the camera) and stuffed animals I really like the different textures we can do with them. It's very comforting.it's about being comfortable within yourself and your body. As somebody with autism who struggles with different sensory issues having little items again like pacifiers, diapers and plush animals help with sensory issues
Q. how did you begin starting using the what you describe as little items?
A. It was a little funny. I started collecting them secretly because I was almost embarrassed and felt really shy around it. It was something new to me, and I was really anxious about what others would think of me.
I started collecting these little items toys, pacifiers cute items like what I'm surrounded with in *my little room. This collection began purely out of the fact that these things were of interest to me.
*A little room is often an age-regressor or ABDL person’s safe room to regress or explore areas of their ABDL lifestyle similar to a nursery or a playroom.
Q. When would you say your collection of ABDL and age-regressive paraphernalia begin? And through collecting plush animals or pacifiers has there been subconscious element of your inner child healing linked to your dissociative identity disorder that has provided a means of self-medicating for dissociative identity disorder?
A. I started collecting and accepting my age-regression around five years ago which acceptance started with my Instagram. Then and I just started posting things from my collection of ABDL items that made me happy including how I present myself. Fashion is a significant part of identity and embodying the adult baby or age-regression mindset and lifestyle. Whether its diapers to dungarees this what makes a bold fashion statement. A littles wardrobe may include different onesies to clothes of pastel and childlike colours and designs. This can help create a sense of affinity with those in the community ‘not necessarily to show off’ but ‘this is what I'm doing and this makes me happy.’ And’ I want to see others doing this too!’ As embracing your own identity and embracing who you are.
Q. Has coming out and publicly exploring your age-regressed self and allowing yourself to embrace the adult baby lifestyle been linked to unmasking your autism? And, validating that this is a means of meeting your sensory needs?
A. Yes, It definitely helped me accept and unmask my autism. The other alters within my system has been a challenge and creating additional hurdles to overcome.
The accepting of the diagnosis and starting treatment was difficult. I was a mess before. Like I was very confused as to why I have different people within the same body and why my name would change. It was like watching somebody else move my body through a TV screen. I never understood why that was until I started talking to therapists.
I was in therapy for ten years before I got diagnosed with D.I.D It took that long. DID is a coping mechanism, it's a skill that we use to cope with the real world and sometimes that's not noticeable because it's used as a mechanism to help protect you.
Q. how did that feel for you when they, that it took 10 years to be diagnosed with the condition? And how You were gone for that period of time without knowing this part of your identity?
A. I’m also very worried about expressing myself correctly and concerned of how I should express D.I.D. As I don't want somebody to come away with the idea that this is how D.I.D is for everyone when really D.I.D is so individual and because everybody's trauma is so individual. It’s a minority of those who know about and can comprehend the meaning of it. It's assumed that it is a small minority that have heard of D.I.D. D.I.D is complex as there are some people who have it who have with a small number of alters that could be from 2-3 alters and on the other end of the spectrum there could be have dozens upon dozens of alters. This condition is yet to be fully understood even by those who live with the condition
Everybody with DID also has a different expectation for how they want to heal their trauma and how they want to move forward with their lives. For some people with D.I.D they want to keep their alters because they depend on them and they don't want to integrate. Integration referring to a post D.I.D life where the different alters and personalities merge into one personality. My goal, is to integrate into a singular person or personality.
But this can feel scary as I've lived my whole life with multiple personalities and personas. Although I didn't understand it when I was younger in retrospect I can see how it has helped me to cope with my trauma with how protective it is to have multiple alters. It's scary to let this coping mechanism go even if it is not the best for my life sometimes. It’s scary as I could be grieving the alters I grown to like and could lose. Especially in a world where I'm interacting with people who are singular personalities, who don't understand the multiple personalities in somebody. Theres also the clash of personalities with having different alters who have different preferences of how the body should look and those alters have different needs and there’s the disabling impacts of the amnesia. It is difficult to balance my alters needs of which it can be exhausting.
Different alters are of different genders and of different religious beliefs to one another. There can be many different things that could be learnt from having multiple personalities about human life and society from having differing religious beliefs, genders and neurological age diversity within a D.I.D system, knowing what it means to be both a man and a woman, is something that one person with one personality wont have the same understanding.
Something that I'm worried about is if I integrate what happens to these other personalities that are so important to me and make up my identity, I care and I love them like other people. If I integrate with Rylan, will he going to be gone forever? Or is he going to be part of me still? these are questions I don't have answers to and I am not sure what exactly happens. Nobody quite knows what happens when that integration takes place. Is there going to be a dominant personality? Is that other personality going to die? What's going to happen? And that's the really scary though.
Q. From your experience of having engaged with other people with Dissociative Identity Disorders what have you learnt from the experiences of having Dissociative Identity Disorder?
What I've learned it is a trauma response, I've learned more about my trauma as well as my responses to that trauma. It has made me grow as a person because I can understand and accept some of the traumas now, and some of them I just can't yet, and that's okay. Every day I'm learning to be more accepting of myself and what I've gone through because, it was things that a child shouldn't have had to have gone through,
and even if I had gone through some of these things as an adult, that would have been traumatising. And because it happened in early childhood, I never got to have a singular personality, unfortunately. But is that necessarily a good or bad thing? I don't know. It's just is what it is thing.That's where if that is who you are and where you are now the important things about self acceptance just to feel like it is what it is and just make peace with it.
Q. How have you found comfort and embraced using things associated with ABDL lifestyle like adult pacifiers and diapers?
It's been a journey of self acceptance to accept that I not just only use these things as comfort items and coping mechanisms but I enjoy these things of which that might be a little weird to some people. But I have had to learn to accept that this is what I like but not just what I like but this is also who I am and that is that I am a little who enjoys little space, age-regression and ABDL.
WhenI got into these things is when I started learning about my D.I.D and it has been s a journey and a blessing for me because it has helped me learn how to cope with different traumas that I have endured throughout my life and continue to do so in the present day.
Q. What does ABDL mean to you? And what are the things that you like about that and you've grown to like about regressing in that little space?
A. I consider myself a non sexual ABDL, which is an adult baby diaper lover. I say non sexual because some people do find it as a kink, whereas I find it more as a comfort, a regression into a headspace that is more childish and more happy and less weighed down by the world, my ABDL space and my little space is entirely non sexual, for me at least, and some people it isn't, and that's okay too. And I just find that It's not only a coping mechanism that works and a therapy that works. It's also a lifestyle. It's who I am.
Q. What makes the ABDL life style? And what for you puts the diaper lover into your ABDL lifestyle?
A.There are many reasons that I participate in diapers of which include how comforting wearing diapers are and how they nourish the ABDL lifestyle and the mindset of the littles of which I love the mindset. I love the regression that comes with being diapered. I also depend on diapers for medical reasons as I struggle with incontinence and that the comfort can come from the safety and the security they can provide of not, to be frank, peeing myself in public. So my reasons are linked with the few of my disabilities like D.I.D, autism and having Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, which is the genetic connective disease of which can be common in autistic people and so can incontinence be common in Elhers Danlos Syndrome linking to conditions impact bowel and and bladder and for sensory and neurological reasons in autistic people
It feels safe for Raz ’It's not only a safety in the sense that, oh good, I'm not gonna pee myself, but also if I do, it's okay, and if I regress to the point where I can't do this anymore it's okay.’ As regression can in some severe cases be linked to temporary absolute loss of bladder and bowel control
Q. Through your age-regression with in the switch to ‘little’ alters in the system. When the ‘little’ alters are fronting does the body and the system become more impacted by your disabilities? Through incontinence or becoming temporarily non-speaking?
A. Yes, and with alters within the system and with having those (amnesia) berries between us between switches of alters. I don't remember what my other alters are thinking, experiencing or doing. For example, my alter Rosie, She is a little and know that I’ve regressed and switched out with her before, but I don't necessarily remember what has happened for the time that Rosie was fronting,
Note: (Eira-Auri) I seen different people with D.I.D who I follow on social media. They’ve shared that unless they are journaling, recording videos of making notes of what has happened when they dissociated to another identity that within a switch up episode between alters. They would experience an amnesia where they lose memories of a chunk of their day.
A. Raz: And you know what? That's part of the reason why I love my Instagram and my social media is because it's not only a way to express myself, it's also almost a diary. And I'm able to look through and see myself years ago when I wouldn't remember that otherwise.
Q. Autisticly Aar: What is it like for the alters in the system engaging and viewing your instagram. What do all the alters within the system make of your social media channel? And, when they see their body?
A. Yes. when Rylan would see the body like this, he would be very confused, right? He would be like, who is that? That's not me. I don't understand what I'm seeing right now, because I'm looking in a mirror, and I'm seeing this. When last time I remembered, I looked completely different and and having alters who act completely different too, is something that makes relationships a little bit hard because other people notice but they don't have the words to describe what they're seeing necessarily, they don't have that education.
Conclusion
I've really enjoyed having this conversation with you I know I struggled with communication today. But I wanted to have a conversation. In summary, DID, while you might have little, doesn't necessarily mean it's the same as regression or little space or ABDL but they can all intersect, which I think is really cool and interesting. I would love to. I'm sorry if I was a little incoherent today, . Oh I was very anxious for this. I hope that with our conversation, not only have maybe you have learned something, but somebody else could learn something too.
